I know to have something like this broken is hard to fix...

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 05:44:44 GMT

Its really getting to me.
On the nights he lies and treats me like im nothing
It fucking hurts.

But today I had good company. Which I really needed <3
Thank you Brock

Hes gone,for good.And I need people to help me find out how to be myself again. Someone whos Independent and strong.
I want to be my own person again. I hate him being a part of me

Sat, 16 Jul 2005 07:24:03 GMT

What am I suppose to do
Without my very best friend
you left me in shock and tied up in knots
Then it hits me again

HOW ABOUT THAT FOR FUCKING SONG LYRICS.
I think im going fuckig insane.

P.s im not that clever its a country song.

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 02:25:02 GMT

being with him without being with him makes me feel empty

ps.
I quit my fucking job.

I hate my fucking guts.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 21:29:58 GMT

Ok. The most embarressing thing happend at work yesterday.
I was handing out food to a couple of goth kids and i broke down crying.

UGH.WHAT THE FUCK. do I ever cry?

I had been there for like 9 hours, i work long hours 6 days out of the week, with no a/c, in the fucking texas heat, with blisters all over my feet, and to make it worst my asistant manager that I have to work with EVERYDAY fucking hates me. and it fucking sucks because we were friends but out of nowhere he started hating me and now he gets me to do all of the fucking shitty stuff at work like trash and this tray take out shit it FUCKING SUCKS THIS FUCKING SUMMER SUCKS and i just wanted to go home and i got off at 10 and i asked to go and they wouldnt let me fucking leave for like another fucking hour. and yes im using the word fuck alot becauseim so fucking frustrated with working there and it fucking just SUCKS.

and my pride was bruised yesterday when i started crying (reallyhard) infront of goth kids. arnt they supposed to be the pussy ones,actually i shouldnt say that because they were really nice to me they didnt laugh or anything they just asked if i was okay. I think if they had laughed i wuold have dropped their stuff and ran into the ongoing traffic.

okay. I just had to vent. bye

4687101

Thu, 12 May 2005 01:40:54 GMT

Hows everyones year going?

Mines...stressful....but when i have time off its wonderful. laying down has taken on a new meaning. and hopefully. if things work out ill have 2 part time jobs. one for the weekdays(jcpennys) and then sonic on the weekends.

i had enough fun last summer with adrian,mari and anthony. im just going to work this summer. get a nice car and yeah. save up so i can move out next year.
I miss everyone though. I dont talk to ANYONE anymore.
my friends hate me. I think
and marisela is getting married in a few months. and zandra is having a baby. everything is getting exciting. complicated. and stressful.

So. I dont know why but i feel really grounded today. I was driving around today, by myself just around because i was bored. and the wind just felt so GOOD. like im on something (im not)

Rudys been I guess 'drifting' away from me he cares more about himself than anyonelse. I tried to change that but I wasnt too succesful. I did teach him a lesson though going out a handful of dates.
I hated it though.
I hated it more than anything. I guess im just really not ready to be with anyone.

but anyways. Im suppose to go party this weekend. i want to start going out again. i go out like twice a month. thats horrid. not only that but im a workaholic now. CALL ME

512-468-7101

Tue, 03 May 2005 12:33:55 GMT

I havent updated in a long time.

so im updating now.

update: things suck.

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 16:26:00 GMT

+ crystal moved out
+ my room is done
----- i can only have balck, red or clear plugs at work so i guess im saying goodbye to those beautiful amber plugs
+ bought some cute express pants yesterday. I bought some for rudy too. his pants are more expensive than mines! whats up with that.
+ tommorow my work schedule is me, nick and sara working together so im exceited. they are my favorite coworkers.

i never went to sxsw by the way. too much work. but i heard it blew so that made me feel better.

you know whats great. at work when i serve food to people with plugs they usually talk to me about plugs and organic materials and then tip me etleast 3 dollars.having big earlobes has its advantages!

well im off to work again!
go tip me mother fuckers.

why the fuck do people where ugg boots and trucker hats?
fuck yall.
I wish i could just go to the mall and get some nice pants but end up being haunted by the massive amount of people with ugly snow boots on or cheap trucker hats.

I dont know why i have to bitch about it but i just fucking have to okay.
okay

pay day is the 15th and the 30th. today is the 15th fuckers

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 18:06:27 GMT

I forgave him. because in all honesty I have no strength to leave. he makes me weak.

But. he agreed to redo my room with my father so they have been painting my room a bright magenta color and laying down black tiles. Ill have to take a picture when they're all done. itll be a few days till i can move back into my room.

Crystal moved in saturday night.
Having no privacy whatsoever bugs the fuck out of me and i try to avoid her. I dont know why but i hate having her live with me. When marisela lived with me we had some fun and it wasnt so bad. But marisela got kicked out for nothing, because her family is all fucked. but crystal got kicked out because she will abosolutely WILL NOT stop seeing this 32 yr old fucking ugly ass guy who looks like hes 50 and he is using her and she likes it. her parents give her EVERYTHING. she has a fucking mercedes benz! and shes throwing it all away for some fucking fat old ass?? and I HAVE TO HOUSE HER. I mean i could kick her out. Im a huge bitch but that just a little to mean. so me and my parenst have developed this strategy. we make her pay 400 a month to live with us. hopefully shell get sick of it and go back home. We can only hope and pray. and UGH. we work at the same hours tonight.

Its cold and rainy. I wont get good tips. but maybe people will sympathize because i have to run out in the cold rain every 5 minutes to bring their fucking junk food out to them. lazy americans. you fuckers better tip me.

Today is pay day.

ive realized that my birth control made me gain 50000 pounds since last summer.

my spring break fucking blows. I just want to go to sxsw, see some music for free, punch a few people in the face, and shop around downtown. thats all. and please please dont rain out my sxsw. or i will cry.

*one thing im doing with my check is taking my 4 yr old sister to get her ears pierced. hopefully shell get addicted. i keep trying to talk her into letting take her to get 2 on each side. but she insist on one star on each ear. hah

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 10:43:48 GMT

I cant remember the last time I fell asleep alone with him laying next to me.

And now, the first time in months the reason he isnt here is because hes out drinking , getting money

from his mommy and being with someone else, and touching someone else and having sex with someone else

hes making love to someone he doesnt know and who doesnt love him like I do and who doesnt give him

everything he wants and needs, and who does take care of everything for him and do this and that and

who there for him when he needs it nobody will ever fucking be like me. Tonight I worked till close,

then came home and worked some more. I finally lay down at 3 in the morning with every fucking muscle

aching, now its 5 and he still hasnt called or come home. he always calls. he always comes. but its

been so different lately. I dont know why I am still up. Deep down I tell myself hes going to call even

though I know hes not. But that doesnt matter. I cant sleep. I cant go to sleep. Because its never hurt

being so unappreciated and unwanted after everything. IVe been working my fucking ass off with school

and work and then I come home and have to fucking deal with being here and I think comming home or

comming to him is what ive been waiting for. what i wake up for but if I only knew what was going on

behind my back, while I worked, and while I slept, while I was being the most honest trustworthy to him.

He has become my life and ive become hes bitch, someone he plays around with in his spare time.

Ive been so stupid. so so stupid.

salealeSALE

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 23:10:29 GMT

MY TRASH CAN IS FULL OF NICE STUFF.
Shirts and pants from the gap!
A very expensive jacket from the gap!!!
Socks!
Boxers!
DVDS!!!
A Purse!
A backpack full of papers and some textbooks ( you know how expensive those are!!)
TEddy bears!
Sentimental pictures!!

COME AND GET IT THE TRASH GOES OUT MONDAY MORNING!!

note: dont piss genny off. she will make you pay.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 17:48:17 GMT

-Crystal might live with me for awhile

-I feel my relationships getting stale

- Tiffany will be in austin on March 12th!

- March 12 makes me want to crawl in a hole a die

- I really miss poopie

- I will honestly cry if I have to work when my bands play SXSW

- I really hate alot of people. Alot.

-MY hair is cooler than everyone elses.

The end.

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 13:17:22 GMT

I got hired at sonic yesterday

I dont know whether to be sad because im missing SXSW which ive been anxiously waiting for a YEAR FOR!

OR to be happy that I finally get to buy those $130 jeans at the bebe store which ive been drooling over since 5th grade.

Now I REALLY need a car.
Ill be riding the bus every day to get to work by 5 from now on. well starting next week.
I kind of wish I could quit or dissapear or something.

woohoo SXSW is COMMING UP MOTHERFUCKERS

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 00:03:19 GMT

Yesterday was my birthday

Ive been looking for a job.
Not so sunny

Today someone told me I was the meanest person who was always mad and they only liked me when I was drunk.
Well heres what I say to you. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. However ,I do agree with them

Im getting some 9/16th amber plugs soon. Very soon. Thats the only good news.

my hair is black and white. Maybe ill post a picture or something. But I doubt it.

Why do I fucking miss her so much.

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 00:54:46 GMT

You don't know how much I miss her.

I always miss her.

But these are the months I miss her the most.

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:26:31 GMT

UUGGGHHHH HOODS PLAYED LAST NIGHT

fags

Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:17:28 GMT

The week is finally over with. I got a couple of essays out of the way and a few tests and presentations. Thats good.

But everything turned to shit

Oscar is having a party sunday and since i havnt gone out in 3 weekends and ive been working hard. Im giving myself a break. Im going to get really wasted and feel better about myself. I know what your thinking
but fuck you I deserve it.

My dad moved out a few days ago.
long story which i dont care to make short.
But I was thinking about it. And Connie has been making my life a hell hole since I can remeber.
Since I was what? 6?
now years and years later she can still fuck things up for me. like she did this week. Big time.
I used to have sympathy for her and her kids. I guess because they are my half siblings.
But I have no feelings towards them anymore
The next time I see her I will fucking kill her.
OR attempt to anyways. not with a gun or anything but with my hands so I can watch her face
OR maybe just the next time I get my hands on some fucking car keys ill go to her. Who knows when that'll be because NOW because of her I wont be getting a car. Or anything over 10 dollars for a very very long time.
I will fucking kill her

on a lighter note. I cant wait to get wasted with oscar. Cristina might go to, well Im telling her about it right now and I havent seen her since the black and white party so I dont know maybe sunday will clear things up. I can get wasted and let everything out and be able to relax with a hangover monday.

I THINK hoods is playing tonight in austin. If they do someone NEEEEDS TO TAKE ME FUCK

oh yes. half inches are comming soon.I Already paid yes I cant wait. AND I found out the guy down the street does tattoos now all I need it some fucking money.

Mondays Suck

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 15:40:12 GMT

I really hate my fat art teacher.
shes the devil

I really like this one song. I found it in my brothers songs that he thinks are "cool". It reminds me of when me and rudy first started going out and partying together because IF THEY DIDNT PLAY THIS SONG THERE IT WASNT A PARTY WOOT WOOT. I d tell you what song it is but I dont know I think its called Noila clap? I could be completey off though. Im an idiot

Um well I havent gone out in a couple of weeks. Which is okay I guess.
Etleast im trying to get my shitty grades up
And im doing a great job os doing that right now sitting on my ass when im supposed to be in art

I miss you dos equis <3

WILLY IS IN AUSTIN 534875983745THDFJK30948DLKFJ695

Thats alot of love

Sat, 22 Jan 2005 17:06:48 GMT

People are all puzzles to be figured out

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 13:58:15 GMT

its 8 and my hairs still wet.
Im stalling.we're doing clay this morning. its fucking disgusting. im not a clay person.
Im a lets sit in the library and study person. I hate groups
fuck groups

I need to join the football team.
They get away with alot.
even though we never won a game, because our football team is horrid.

I hate livejournal. Im sick of updating.
but this is the time of day where i have nothing better to do.

The cat massacre is a very very very boring book.

willy is moving back to Austin in 2 days

ive been having alot of fun. When im not here. My parents are slowly trying to kick me out. Its cool though. I only come home to sleep

Im talking to troy and i havent talked to him in SO long.
So long.

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 02:17:52 GMT

Well.
I really wanted to go see the rise. I dont know when the last time I was this pissed off about missing someone play. I just REALLY wanted to see them.

maybe I'll go.
Probabley not.

Going back to school is horrible. I hate the workload in being in the ap classes.
Never fucking again. Never.

Im getting the mustang in feburary. Its getting fixed right now
I feel like I need to go visit her NOW.
I feel like I NEED to hear her voice even though I never will. Ever. Never.
I need that car NOW.
I need her to tell me I wont fall again. You know?
No you don't

I feel like I need it. I feel like im fucking dying for some just a little but ive run out of fucking money and fucking strength
I dont want a problem like before. But I need it.
No I don't need it.
I despratly want it.

I feel stupid.

Someone is fucking arguing with me over age and how peoples minds develop and what can happen in the next 6 years, Sorry the topic is not fucking arguable. Some people must grow up faster that others. Which is unfortunate. Because those things leave scars.

Dont get me started on my opinions and beliefs. fuckers.
DEAR FUCKING GOD IM IN A BAD MOOD.

troy

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 23:17:08 GMT

Am I the only person that has to blink every .5 seconds just so I can wear my contacts.
They dry out so fucking fast

Went back to school today. Pretty lame. As usual. I really really dislike alot of the people I attend school with.
Really dislike.
Big disliking

the 7 days have been wonderful. Since rudy had the house alone I was over there all week. Drank some here and then. Rudys brother threw a party on new years at the house which was a pain in the ass when it all ended and there was throw up and trash and it was just so horribly dirty. I helped clean. I was the only one who would clean the SHIT OFF THE TOILET,FLOOR, AND TRASH CAN. Yeah...someone actually took a fucking CRAP IN THE TRASH AND SMEARED IT ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND TOILET.

besides that. everything about him comming back was lovely.
Darkness.... the movie....no. please do not go see it.

Im about to go pick up the movie troy from suncoast. I havent seen it yet. Im excited. I might watcht he OU game instead though.
OU is going to win. Sorry.

eatoutin.com saves alot of travels and time. I love it.

Why is my face so ugly. ew
I hate when people say ew.
fuck people who saw ew
its annoying.

my bears are cute

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 20:15:59 GMT

Hello.
I havent updated in so long
because things suck

my family sucks

christmas is a SCAM
Christmas is all about domestic violence and family arguments.

Id think id rather be in school
Oh guess what I failed biology.
Fuck summer school. I'll be lazy and be in delta. Im tired of fucking trying my hardest.

Good things..
+ rudy is on his way home NOW. and should be in austin in 45 minutes.
+ target giftcards are really good.
+ so are back to back episodes of LAW AND ORDER. back to back episodes for HOURS AND HOURS.

my legs are KILLING ME.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 04:19:55 GMT

Today wasn't that bad at all.
Me and brock went down to the mall. I got my parents and my brother something. exchanged rudys pants for cooler pants ( and the right size hehehe ). So. I got alot accomplished. Got home just in time to see the end of scifis ghosthunters.

We found my old phone with he sim card so my cell phone is working now. What a fucking relief.

Ate teriyaki chicken combo at the mall. SO GOOD SO GOOD.
But I have absolutley no money left.

Rudy hasnt called or emailed or anything in 2 days.
I know what your thinking "ooooo two days, its just fucking two days genny you fucking idiot why worry?"
Well because we cant go a couple of hourse without talking to eachother and when my phone broke last weekend he called and left about 50 messages. And now nothing for two days?
I wish hed etleast let me know hes okay. I just want to know everything is okay.
Today me and Brock were talking about why he hasnt called and then brock asked whatd I would do if rudy died.
Well I've never thought of that because I don't know what I would do. Hes my other half I dont even know how to think for myself anymore.
I know hes still really sick in mexico I wish hed fucking call me and just tell me hes fucking okay. If he do

WOAH FUCKING CREEPY HE JUST CALLED

fatso.

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 02:33:16 GMT

I dont remeber when the last time I felt this fucking miserable was.
The past 7 days have been like a nightmare.
So I got my new cell phone in the mail today
but somebody in my house (who won't confess) threw away my old cell phone with the SIM card
That means. No cell phone at all. Unless ME/I/ME/I pay for a new line and cell phone
And we dont have a house phone .
So just not communication at all period
I haven't heard from rudy all day.
and my back hurts really bad for being in the same spot on the couch for 2 days.

my parents have decided to ignore/hate me.
AGAIN.

but this time I have nowhere to go to. because rudys gone.
I hope they dont try to kick me out because. well.
yeah.

im gaining weight.
to top it off

I hate christmas.
I really miss you rudy.

sfdkjjd

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 00:59:30 GMT

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above
I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, Remembered the things that you said

SO everyones heard this song right?
Its rudys guilty pleasure..
Yeah. Like anyone gives a fuck.
I just miss him.

today fucking sucked. The rest of the week is going to fucking suck.